Lead-Across Principle #7
DON’T PRETEND YOU’RE PERFECT
Nothing would get done at all if a man waited until he could do something so well that no one could find fault with it.
—JOHN HENRY CARDINAL NEWMAN
A man who had been suffering from constant headaches finally went to see his doctor.
“I don’t know why I keep getting these terrible headaches,” he lamented. “I don’t drink like so many other people do. I don’t smoke like so many other people do. I don’t run around at night like so many other people do. I don’t overeat like so many other people do. I don’t—”
At this point, the doctor interrupted him. “Tell me,” the physician asked, “this pain you complain of, is it a sharp shooting pain?”
“Yes,” the man answered.
“And does it hurt here, here, and here?” the doctor asked indicating three places around his head.
“Yes,” the man replied hopefully, “that’s it exactly.”
“Simple,” the doctor said, rendering his diagnosis. “Your problem is that you have your halo on too tight.”
Many leaders are similar to the man in that joke. They try so hard to make others think they’re perfect that it about kills them. The problem, to quote Norman Cousins, longtime editor of the Saturday Review, is that “to talk about the need for perfection in man is to talk about the need for another species.”
HOW TO BE “REAL” IN A COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
One of the worst things leaders can do is expend energy on trying to make others think they’re perfect. That’s true whether the leader is CEO or functioning in the middle of the organization. It’s a crock. The closest to perfection people ever come is when they write their resumés. Since nobody is perfect—not you, not your peers, not your boss—we need to quit pretending. People who are real, who are genuine concerning their weaknesses as well as their strengths, draw others to them. They engender trust. They are approachable. And they are a breath of fresh air in an environment where others are scrambling to reach the top by trying to look good.
Here’s how I recommend you approach “getting real” to become a more effective 360-Degree Leader:
1. ADMIT YOUR FAULTS
Recently at a forum for CEOs where I was invited to speak, I suggested to the leaders in attendance that they be honest about their weaknesses and admit their faults to the people they work with when they returned to their companies. After I was done speaking, a CEO approached me because he wanted to talk about that remark.
“I can’t believe you’re suggesting we talk about our weaknesses with our people,” he said. “I think that’s a really bad idea.”
When I asked him why, he answered, “A leader should never show weakness or fear. He should always be in control, in command. Otherwise his people lose confidence in him.”
“I think you’re laboring under a false assumption,” I replied.
“What’s that?” he said.
“You think your people don’t know your weaknesses,” I explained. “I’m not suggesting that you admit your faults to give your people information they don’t already have. I’m suggesting it because it lets them know that you know your faults.”
The people who work alongside you know your weaknesses, faults, and blind spots. If you doubt that—and you have great courage—just ask them! When you get real and admit your shortcomings, what you’re doing is making yourself approachable and trustworthy. And when you make mistakes, admit them and quickly ask for forgiveness. Nothing is more disarming, and nothing does a better job of clearing the decks relationally.
2. ASK FOR ADVICE
It has been said that advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. Isn’t that often the case? Some people won’t ask for advice when they don’t have an answer because they are afraid it will make them look bad; they only ask advice if they can’t make up their minds. How much more quickly would people get things done if they asked for help when they needed it instead of trying to fake it until they make it?
3. WORRY LESS ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK
James C. Humes, in The Wit and Wisdom of Winston Churchill (Harper Perennial, 1994), told about an incident that occurred one day at the House of Commons. It is customary for members of parliament to expound, and then the prime minister is given an opportunity to respond to their comments. On this day, a member of the Socialist party railed against Prime Minister Churchill, pouring out abusive words against him. While the man spoke, Churchill remained impassive. He seemed almost bored. When the man was finished, Churchill rose and said, “If I valued the opinion of the honorable gentleman, I might get angry.”
People who consider the opinions of others too much often perform too little. They get caught up in pleasing others. I know, because I used to be a people pleaser. Early in my career I was often more worried about what others thought of me than I was about doing what I knew to be best. But in the end, each of us has to live with ourselves. It took me a while, but I finally grasped that knowing in my heart I did right was more important than pleasing or impressing others. Failure is inevitable, so I might as well act in a way that allows me to sleep well at night. Besides, one of the nice things about being imperfect is the joy that it brings to others!
One of the nice things about being imperfect is the joy that it brings to others!
If you want to gain credibility with your peers, you’ve got to be yourself. If you’re genuine, will everyone like you? No. But pretending to be something you’re not won’t make everyone like you either. It will actually make you less likable.
4. BE OPEN TO LEARNING FROM OTHERS
Have you ever met someone who felt compelled to play the expert all the time? Such people aren’t much fun to be around after a while, because the only input they seem open to is their own. And as the saying goes, people won’t go along with you unless they can get along with you.
I love the way President Abraham Lincoln is said to have handled a person who had a know-it-all attitude. Lincoln asked, “How many legs will a sheep have if you call the tail a leg?”
“Five,” the man answered.
“No,” replied Lincoln, “he’ll still have four, because calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it one.”
If you really desire others to see you as an approachable person, go a step beyond just willingness to admit your weaknesses. Be willing to learn from them. One of the things I teach in Winning with People is the Learning Principle, which states, “Each person we meet has the potential to teach us something.” I really believe that. If you embrace that idea, I believe you will discover two things. First, you will learn a lot, because every time you meet someone, it is a learning opportunity. Second, people will warm up to you. Complete strangers often treat me like an old friend, simply because I am open to them.
5. PUT AWAY PRIDE AND PRETENSE
Too often we think that if we can impress others, we will gain influence with them. We want to become others’ heroes—to be larger than life. That creates a problem because we’re real live human beings. People can see us for who we really are. If we make it our goal to impress them, we puff up our pride and end up being pretentious—and that turns people off.
If you want to influence others, don’t try to impress them. Pride is really nothing more than a form of selfishness, and pretense is only a way to keep people at arm’s length so that they can’t see who you really are. Instead of impressing others, let them impress you.
It’s really a matter of attitude. The people with charisma, those who attract others to themselves, are individuals who focus on others, not themselves. They ask questions of others. They listen. They don’t try to be the center of attention. And they never try to pretend they’re perfect.
Poet and Harvard professor Robert Hillyer said, “Perfectionism is a dangerous state of mind in an imperfect world. The best way is to forget doubts and set about the task at hand . . . If you are doing your best, you will not have time to worry about failure.” That’s good advice. If you always do your best, your peers will respect you. And if they respect you, they will listen to you and give you a chance. And that’s where leadership starts.
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